How To Overcome Common Sexual Problems

What is Sex?
Sex is perceived as taking place between one individual, not being a child that carries XY and another individual, not being a child, that carries XX genes. That is to say, sex is deemed to take place between two consenting adults of opposite genders.
Sex occurs when the male penis enter the female vagina.

Sexual problems
Sexual problems in men can be and usually is different from the sexual problems in women.  In some occasions, these problems are similar. We will attempt to look at common problems in both genders.

Common Sexual Problem in Men

Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction otherwise known as impotence by the public is a persistent inability of the man to get and maintain a penile erection that is sufficient for a sexual intercourse.

What makes for an erection and what causes erection to occur? In individual, an erection would normally occur:

Stage 1

  • At the thought of sex, via fresh imagination or a recall from memory/past experience of sexual encounters.
  • Seeing the actual image of sex. This can be in form of video, pictures or real life sexual scene. The crucial issue is that, the person must receive some data and information into the brain, about sex. With these, a quick succession of events is activated. The hormones, testosterone and others are activated in the blood and other hormones are released to effect the erection.
  • Talk of sex or discussion about sex.
  • Feeling of sex: hearing of sex scenes, smelling, touching-feeling of sex.

Note that, the above-mentioned set of events takes place at the level of the brain and mind. With the mind involved, the person imagines having sex as the mental picture of sex is formed in the mind of the individual.

This is called conditioning and often occurs in readiness for sex. Then and thereafter the “conditioning”,  the organ of penis is “instructed” by the brain to more or less get “ready” and the blood flow is activated to flow and fill those organs designed for sex.

Stage 2

  • Following the above, the blood flow to the penis will increase considerably in a way similar to filling your garden rubber pipe used for watering the flowers, with the open end of the pipe tied or closed. The penis becomes turgid.
  • With these, the muscles of the penis become firm and pointed in readiness for penetration of vagina.

Erection may therefore fail if:

  • There is problem or blockade with your imagination.
  • There is problem with sensation of sight, smell, tough and hearing.
  • There is an abnormality with the production of hormones especially testosterones which can occur in diseases of the pituitary/brain or poor function or absent of the testes (“balls”). The hormone testosterone may also not function properly to hit the appropriate sex target even if the hormones are present as in some other situations. Testosterone along with other hormones controls the stages of sex.
  • When there is a disease that affects the blood flow to the penis such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure and stroke, erection may fail.
  •  You cannot get erection if you don’t have a penis.
  • Your erection may fail due to some medications that act on the brain and nerve supply to your penis.
  •  You may not have erection if bad words, discouraging words and non-encouraging circumstances are present within. These words and circumstances can be a bad memory of sex. Any previous education that says sex is bad may hinder erection.
  • Your erection may fail if you receive bad and discouraging words from your spouse or sex partner.
  • You may not have erection if you suffer as a result of bad words and physical experience and painful memory. Anxiety and depression (both affecting the brain) may also cause impotence.  Erection may fail if you are suffering from other painful or diseases that limit your freedom.
  • You may fail in getting erection if you feel guilty as in some religious guilt and criminal guilt especially if you have committed previous sexual crimes and you are now truly remorseful and feeling guilty.
  • Misuse of substances such as alcohol that depresses the brain activity may also lead to impotence.

 Impact of erectile failure (impotence)

  • Clearly, the first thing is that you cannot have a normal enjoyable sexual intercourse.
  • Your ability to reproduce/have children biologically by your own effort is much diminished except you use other artificial methods.
  • It may cause a lot of strain/conflict between you and your spouse.
  • It may result in more anxiety and or depression because you have a sense of failure.
  • It may cause you to spend huge amount of money looking for solutions even bizarre and worthless solutions.


  • It would appear logical  that the best approach would be for individuals to look at the above causes and address those issues that he (including the spouse) can deal with such as encouraging words even by yourself and from the sex partner. Other means are, pursuing the path of treating existing diseases such as blood pressure and diabetes.
  • Using appropriate and legitimate sexual images may also help to stimulate erection. Seeing suitable and appropriate sexual images may help to trigger the brain into action.
  • If you have tried and you failed, the next stage would be to seek professional input and investigation as to the cause of the impotence. Medical professionals would then apply or recommend appropriate remedy including artificial remedies if appropriate. Medications may also be used if necessary.

Note should be taken, that erectile failure is the forerunner, in some people, of failure to ejaculate (release of semen). Erection, it seems, is necessary for semen release. Failure to ejaculate may also be due to other causes such as the simple fact that there is actually nothing to ejaculate as in diseases of the organs that produce the semen. There is no need to elaborate on this ejaculation problem as this is outside the remit of this topic. However, if sex is properly conducted in relaxed, enjoyable atmosphere devoid of anxiety, problem with ejaculation is likely to diminish.

Common Sexual Problem In Women

Dyspareunia (and Vaginismus)
Simply put, dyspareunia means difficult sex. It also means painful sex. Some professionals will separate vaginismus, meaning tightening of the vagina entry against the penetrating penis, from dyspareunia. Generally, vaginismus is a part of dyspareunia.

Either can occur with entry of penis or entry of even tampon (or fingers) into the vagina. It can occur during thrusting of penis during sex.

What Causes Dyspareunia?

  • It occurs for many reasons. It may be due to infections in the vagina.
  • It may be due to poor “preparation” before and during the intercourse (poor or no foreplay) whereby the woman is not “wet” before vagina penetration.
  • It may be due to guilt and poor sexual education in childhood/teens.
  • It can be due to memory of sexual abuse in childhood. The abuse may even be in adulthood with or without physical scaring of the vagina area (sexual genital mutilation).
  • It can be due to existing diseases in the vagina and surrounding area.
  • It can be due to emotional disturbance such as anxiety and depression.

What Can You Do?

  • Apart from professional input, you can help yourself. Relax and talk freely with your partner about sex. Open-minded communication with your partner is crucial to enjoying sex. There should be a “no-go area” in the sexual discussion.
  • During sex, wait patiently until you lubricate naturally before you allow the penis in. Only invite the man to introduce the penis when you are ready. In other words, the woman should dictate the pace of the sexual experience. Guide the man gently and ask him to “go gently”: one step at a time.  No rushing.  Feel free to hold the shaft of the penis to control the entry of the penis into the vagina.
  • If you have consistent problem lubricating naturally, use artificial means such as petroleum jelly or suitable non-irritating oil or lotion to line the vagina walls. Apply it to the vagina or on the penis prior to penetration. You may also use K-Y jelly obtainable at your local pharmacy.
  • Seek professional help. Infections and other diseases may have to be treated. You may benefit from counselling and psychological input. Medications such as estrogens may also help. It is for your doctor and yourself to decide on what is best for you.

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